Pushing Back

You know that thing that doctor's use to get your tongue out of the way to check out your throat. You know, a tongue depressor? i always wondered why it was called that. I mean is it really depressing your tongue? Or is it about the force of pushing down?

See that's what depression is like. It is like you are being pushed down, and you can wriggle your tongue around to try to get above it, but it just keeps pushing. And you can try to push your tongue back up against it, but it just keeps pushing. And somehow, it always seems to be stronger than you. So day by day, you fight a little less. Because if nothing else, you get tired. Tired of fighting, tired of trying, tired of caring. Eventually you start to aaccept that it will always be there pushing and so you stop pushing back. You think to yourself, 'if it is stronger than me, shouldn't I just give in?' So you do and you hope that will make the pressure ease up.

And it does at first. You are overcome with a great relief...no not relief...apathy. A great apathy. You feel like it can't hurt you anymore because you are giving in. You just stop caring. But here is the big secret that really isn't a secret:

Every day you can keep pushing back makes you stronger. You work the muscles of willpower a little bit every time you push back, and if you can manage to keep trying and fighting even when it would be easier to give in, you get better. Eventually you can push it back enough to be normal. And sometimes, if you ask nicely, some one can come help you push back. Eventually you can push so hard that you win. And though depression can never really be beaten, every battle you fight makes you better at staving them off.

Like I said it isn't really a secret. It is just hard. And giving up will always seem easier, but in the long run it isn't. In the long run giving up will make it harder to fight back when you need to. So fight back. I will fight back and I will never have to do that alone.