Sometimes I don't think my life is real.
Everything truly good in my life has happened since my hospitalization. My best friend, my boyfriend, my apartment, my life. It has all started since that night. So what if none of this is real and I actually succeeded in my goal of slipping into a coma? What if this is all a dream?
It is sometimes hard for me to remember things or people if they are not in front of me. Even my family, closest friends, and boyfriend can be hard to feel emotional attached to when they are not directly involved in my life at any given moment. Sometimes it is just hard to care. I think about cheating or driving off into the sunset never to be seen again. I don't worry about how it will affect others. I sometimes just leave parties or restaurants without telling anyone. I just wander off. I try to fight the urge but I can't.
Sometimes I want to hurt people. I have graphic images in my mind that I can't control. I take interest in the idea of getting away with a crime because of the intellectual skill involved. Sometimes I lie. Not like little white lies but full on lies. I convinced my family and closest friends that I was going to counseling for months when in fact I was not. I made elaborate stories because it worked.
I can ruin people with just my words. I can hone in on insecurities and sensitivities and just tear people apart. I often find myself analyzing others to decide their faults. Not in a judgmental way, but in an intellectual and defensive way. It is a fun game I play that also prepares me for an attack if ever needed.
These are problems people are often to afraid to admit. It makes me sound harsh and uncaring but I'm not. In fact, the reason I do not just drive off or harm people or treat my life as if it were nothing but a coma dream, is because ultimately I care for others. I don't want people to hurt or worry. I don't want them to be mad or disappointed with me. so what if this is a coma dream? If I accept that idea what does it change? This is my reality and so I should do my best to keep it in tact. It is hard to admit and very few people know these things about me. But they are true, and I am not alone. So why is it so stigmatized? I don't actually hurt people or commit the heinous crimes from my mind or verbally destroy people. But these are real problems. I feel like a monster because I can't admit that these are real things that my mind does. Many people go through the same things and work so hard to hide them that they eventually snap and lose touch with reality. So here I am admitting my deepest self. The self I hide because it is insane. At my depth that is all I am.
