A letter to those struggling

Hey you,

Yes. You. You are great. You may not be perfect but none of us are. There is at least one thing in this world that you are good at, maybe even great at. So don't be so hard on yourself. Yes the world is a hard and scary place, but that is something we all face. I do not mean to say that you shouldn't feel tired and scared but rather, you should never feel alone.
"But everyone else seems to be able to handle the world. Why am I the only one who just can't figure it out?" Here is one piece of truth you should never forget, ready: no one knows what they are doing. And if they do they get pushed up into a different position in the world where they have to start over. Everyone is just doing the best they can. Just like you. You may feel like you are somehow inferior to the rest of the world but that just isn't true.

You, my friend, are amazing. You make the world better. Without you, the world would be a different place. You are part of a family, a culture, a country. YOU are part of this world. And whether you realize it or not, someone out there needs you in their life. Somebody's life is better because you are there. Maybe there is someone who thinks that you have it so together and they wonder how you do it. So don't get down on yourself. You know you can be great, I know you can be great. So, my friend, go be great.

You got this.

Sincerely,

B. Anne

Pushing Back

You know that thing that doctor's use to get your tongue out of the way to check out your throat. You know, a tongue depressor? i always wondered why it was called that. I mean is it really depressing your tongue? Or is it about the force of pushing down?

See that's what depression is like. It is like you are being pushed down, and you can wriggle your tongue around to try to get above it, but it just keeps pushing. And you can try to push your tongue back up against it, but it just keeps pushing. And somehow, it always seems to be stronger than you. So day by day, you fight a little less. Because if nothing else, you get tired. Tired of fighting, tired of trying, tired of caring. Eventually you start to aaccept that it will always be there pushing and so you stop pushing back. You think to yourself, 'if it is stronger than me, shouldn't I just give in?' So you do and you hope that will make the pressure ease up.

And it does at first. You are overcome with a great relief...no not relief...apathy. A great apathy. You feel like it can't hurt you anymore because you are giving in. You just stop caring. But here is the big secret that really isn't a secret:

Every day you can keep pushing back makes you stronger. You work the muscles of willpower a little bit every time you push back, and if you can manage to keep trying and fighting even when it would be easier to give in, you get better. Eventually you can push it back enough to be normal. And sometimes, if you ask nicely, some one can come help you push back. Eventually you can push so hard that you win. And though depression can never really be beaten, every battle you fight makes you better at staving them off.

Like I said it isn't really a secret. It is just hard. And giving up will always seem easier, but in the long run it isn't. In the long run giving up will make it harder to fight back when you need to. So fight back. I will fight back and I will never have to do that alone.

SO I am pretty great

So yesterday was my one year anniversary with my boyfriend and it was wonderful. But that isn't the point. The reason why I mentioned my anniversary is because it made me think about how far I have come in a single year. Somehow over this single year, I have become an adult

Now that's  not to say that the years and experiences before those had nothing to do with my transition into adulthood. In fact, there are a lot of experience that have helped me grow into the person I am. And yet, this past year seems to be the pivotal one.

This time last year, I was pursuing a boy who was kind of an ass, rejecting the guy that was not an ass and wanted to treat me well, I was struggling with finances due to my own inability to budget and control my impulse shopping, I was drinking more (which is doubly bad because I am medically not suppose to drink at all), and I was partaking in activities that made my roommates not want to live with me. I was also off of my educational track.

So how is it that it has been only one year and I am now in my school within my university, applying for student teaching, getting straight A's, maintaining healthy and positive relationships, and balancing this with my job where I just got a raise and a promotion? Oh also that guy that wanted to treat me well is now my long-term, committed boyfriend with whom I just celebrated my anniversary.

Maybe it is because I became such a mess but somehow I have come to such a healthy place in my life. So I guess the real message of this is as follows:



     

GO ME!

Response to last Friday's post

So my last post, for those of you that haven't read it, was about wanting what we can't have and the effects of this in my own life. Someone quite close to me responded to this in a critical manner. They said it seemed like I was focusing more on what I couldn't have than on the good I do have. And maybe that is true. Maybe I do tend to analyze the not-so-good instead of focusing on the good. But why is that? Is it because I'm a cynic, my mother might argue to that point and with good reason. Is it because Is it due to a chemical imbalance in my anatomy? Or is it because I like to ask why?

When I started thinking about what this person said, I realized that maybe it came down to the same reason as last week. I am scared. I tend to analyze things if you hadn't noticed and I guess there is a part of me that is afraid to look at the good that I have for fear that I might analyze it and realize there is something wrong with it. I would rather hide that good away to protect it from the scalpel of my mind than hold it close and enjoy it. It is like people who keep action figures in the box instead of playing with them. If you take it out of the box, it won't be worth as much and could easily break.

So that's what the good in my life is. It is kept in a box for safety. Because ultimately, I am too scared to lose the value of that good.

Something interesting for the week

Just something I found interesting and insightful. I think my favorite tip is to be silly with your partner.



http://jamesrusselllingerfelt.wordpress.com/2013/08/15/beautiful-advice-from-a-divorced-man-after-16-years-of-marriage/


and if that doesn't interest you, have a cute corgi picture:

source: http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m2hzvach0i1qi0jmeo1_1280.jpg

What we can't have

People always seem to want what they can't have, but why is that? What makes the forbidden so appealing? I mean it can't just be a coincidental that people tend to be attracted to things they can't have, because something that happens on that big of a scale. It seems to be part of human nature.

Perhaps it goes back to Eve wanting to taste the one fruit she was told she couldn't eat, but that just begs the question why she wanted to. Throughout my short life I have seen almost everyone I know crave something that they couldn't have at one time or another, myself included. In fact, I have spent almost half of my life after something that I was clearly never going to get. I got so caught up in wanting this thing, or should I say person, that I convinced myself I was in love. Now I certainly loved this boy, I had known him for the greater part of my life, almost all of it in fact, and I certainly cared for him. So, as I said, I did love him, as anyone loves a friend for that long, but was I in love?

This is something I have struggled with for the past couple of years. It is less important to sense my motivations now, because I have found someone else is perfect, and even when he isn't, I think he is. So whether I am really in love doesn't seem as pertinent. Yet, the question still plays at my mind of why I thought I might be. Was I simply giving in to my humanity and going for what was forbidden as everyone else does, or was I protecting myself? If I only ever chase one boy that I know deep down I will never have, then I don't have to open myself up to people that I could have and that could hurt me.

So I guess I see the human instinct to go after the unattainable as split into two categories: the feeling of breaking the rules when we finally get it, as with teenagers that date what is forbidden, and simply put, because we are cowards. We are simply hiding. So have I been hiding all these years, or was it real? I may never know, and perhaps I don't need to.

Young and in love

To be young and in love is a cherished thing. It is the kind of thing that older generations look onto with sweet memories and a hint of jealousy, but people seem to forget all of the self-questioning and anxiety that come right before the love part.
Dating is a complicated and messy game. And the younger you are the less you know how to navigate it. Starting around middle school (not counting the "you're my girlfriend now" of younger years) you wander through the maze of self-doubt, confusion, peer pressure, and expectation. You feel like you have to live up to an expectation of what dating is. There are emotional and physical expectations. When do I kiss them? Who should be my first kiss? what do I do with my hands? but let's focus on the emotional side. When we are young it seems like we rush into the label of love, likely because we are supposed to. So when people envy the young and in love, maybe they should be questioning.

Pick me! Pick me!

The school year is quickly approaching once again and I find myself not worried about the work load, or the new situations, or even the hectic schedule of balancing, class, schoolwork, actual work, my social life, my boyfriend, and my field work. In fact, I'm actually excited for the semester to begin. The thing that is weighing on me is something I have faced for the past couple of semesters: audition season. Now for those of you that either don't know me or haven't heard my ultimate dream, I want to get into the comedy theatre biz. Now don't get me wrong, I love the idea of getting my teaching licenses but, there is nothing that beats being on stage for me.
There are a number of comedy troupes at my university which I would love to be a part of, but so far, I haven't exactly had much luck getting them as excited about me. So should I bother trying again? It already could be a busy semester for me and is it worth the possible added stress? Plus, despite getting closer each semester, I am tired of the rejection.
So to try or not to try? Hmmm.....

The other night I went out with some friends. Painting the town red and all that young adult, barhopping stuff. While out and about, one of my friends was deciding whether or not to text this guy and tell him to come out with us. The age old problem. 
Now this isn't the first young person who seems concerned with whether or not they should talk to the person they are attracted to. You like someone but you are worried they will think it is too desperate or they aren't attracted back or what if they do like me back?Well that justs opens another can of worms, doesn't it?
So here is my solution. Instead of getting so stuck in the what-ifs of your own mind just simplify it. Easier said than done you say? Wrong. Think of them as someone else, like a friend or a sibling. But they aren't, you may respond. So what? When in doubt about whether or not to talk to that special crush ask how you would act if this were someone else. Would you text this to that other person you thought of? If so, then just do it. Take the stress out of the decision. This can help you out until you come up with a more long term plan for whether or not you want to kick it up a notch with the flirting.