I remember

I remember. I remember the morning my mom called up to me to get up for school and I didn't move. I remember when she called my cell and I made non-committal noises. She asked if I was sick and I said no. She asked if I wanted to go back to sleep and I did. She said I could make my own decision and so I stayed in bed.

I remember the night before Valentines day. I remember coming home from a youth group where I had thanked G-d for helping me not have as much anxiety. I remember working on an assignment and what class it was for. It was tenth grade. I remember my brother distracting me and I screamed. I didn't yell at him but simply screamed. I remember covering my eyes and grasping my scalp. I remember the way it hurt and that I couldn't stop. I called my sister and told her I was upstairs and having an attack. I couldn't calm down. She got my parents and they came up to me worried. They didn't know why I was so upset and they did what they could to calm me. I remember sleeping in the next day and finishing the assignment. I remember going to school with sunken eyes, bruised from my palms pressing into it. I told my friends I had a rough night but avoided details. I remember thinking I was crazy.

I remember the hospital. The ER was a haze and my friends were in and out trying to figure out what was going to happen. The nurse needed urine and when I stood up my legs gave out under me. I remember my mom was there. I was a sophomore in college. I remember the hospital and all the questions. I remember the schizophrenic girl that helped me. I remember my roommate who yelled about the snakes that weren't there. I remember convincing them I was well enough to leave.

I remember the first week out of the hospital. It was hard and overwhelming. Everything was so much louder and brighter. There were so many people. I remember that no one noticed I had been gone those three days and how much that stung. I felt alone. I was alone. I remember needing help.

I remember.