Two years later

You know, I went back and forth on what I wanted to blog about. I reflected earlier in this day on how much progress in recovery I have made over the past two years when I realized that the anniversary for my depression related hospitalization had come and gone without me realizing it. Last year, it was difficult to not think about. It brought about this overwhelming reminder and pain. But this year, I didn't realize the date had even passed until this morning. It was strange to realize that something that was so intense last year and clearly the year before, was so inconsequential now. I saw real growth in myself in that moment.

I wish I could say that I realized I am completely cured and that this moment showed that my depression was gone for good and everything suddenly became clear and easy for me in the world. I no longer ached in my soul, or felt crippling anxiety about small and future decisions, and my many health issues from stress were suddenly healed. But that is not true. In fact, this is unlikely to ever just happen.

Now I can manage a lot better than I used to but, medical depression is something that never truly goes away. And one of the hardest parts of depression is the fact that it doesn't end. Part of what makes depression so difficult on people, is that it is not something to just get through.

Now do not get me wrong, there are times that are harder than others, and times that are better but ultimately, the depression is a part of your life. It will always come back. Just knowing that it can strike at any moment makes it harder to try. It makes it harder to care. You become hopeless because of the idea that you will ultimately feel hopeless. It is a vicious cycle. You seclude yourself because all you want is to be with people. You are stuck.

This metacognition is truly one of the hardest things I have dealt with in regards to my depression. It gets very frustrating for me to hear that it will get better. Because in my mind, I know it will just get bad again. It may be less bad each time but it will come back again and again and it becomes exhausting. You get beaten down and stop waiting for it to get better because what's the point?

I have come to see that this seems very cynical and yes it is an extreme view. This is not always how depression is but these thoughts are what beat you down the most. I wish I had a clear positive message to end on. I wish I could say, but it does get better and it really convince you but it is not that simple.

Depression is hard. It will always be hard. But so is life. And life, is kind of awesome.



So now here is a video that made me smile today:
http://www.hulu.com/watch/592553.