Please don't worry

Somehow my blog has become about my struggles with depression, which I am fine with. I am glad to have somewhere to put into words what it has been like. Before I started this blog, and on occasion still, my mother would send me links to cartoons like Hyperbole and a Half and articles and blogs about people with depression or anxiety and ask me if that was what it was like for me. Since my breakdown and subsequent hospitalization two years ago, she has worked to understand what I was and am going through better. She has minimal personal experience to compare and so it is hard for her. This blog lets her see what I am going through, how my depression and anxiety manifest and affect my life.

But there is a downside to this.

There are times when I am afraid to really open up on here because I know I have family and friends that read this. I am afraid they will judge me, call me crazy, or worry because of what I write. I am torn between telling my story and hopefully helping others see what it is like, and keeping my loved ones from worrying.

Life with depression is hard. There are days where I literally do not leave my bed even if I should. Have you ever developed bedsores from spending so much time in your bed? I have. I have missed so many classes and assignments over the years and flaked on so many social obligations or plans because I could not leave that damn bed. And when I write it out I fear someone will read it and judge me or say that I just need to suck it up or worse will start to worry and see that as me never doing anything I have to. There are a lot of wonderful things in my life and a lot of wonderful moments. That is why I have started Thankful Saturdays. They let me show some of my positives. But these posts aren't for that.

They are to talk about everything I have kept bottled for years. All the pain I have held inside because of fear. All the self-hate and confusion, all the bad thoughts, all the tears I hid, and all the time I spent hiding. Its about time I start sharing my story and I mean all of it. Some people are going to learn very intimate things about me in the next few weeks and it will be hard. But I need to tell them and furthermore, I need try to help people not go through what I did. I went too long without the help I needed and I want to help beat the stigma. I am more than my problems. I am more than a diagnosis. I needed help and I got it. There is no shame in me anymore.

So please do not worry when you read my work and please do not bring it up to me. Share my story and help me make people better. This is not just about me. This is about so much more.