To Those Graduating,

Congratulations! You made it. After 2-5 years of work (or perhaps longer) you have reached a point of completion. You graduated! Whether it be from high school, college, or any other such thing, you did it. And sure it took a lot of time and effort. Sure there were times when you wanted to cry and quit school to start your own fight club or cat breeding establishment. But you didn't. You persevered and ended up with a piece of paper to prove it!

Now I know some people say the job market out there is not so great and that higher education costs will leave you in life long debt, but none of that matters right now, because YOU GRADUATED! 

Congrats Grad!

Like Leo in titanic, you're the king of the world and you paint me like one of your French women. Sure that may not have made sense but, I myself am a graduate so I can say whatever I want.

I'm sure many people are asking what your future plans are? What's next for their smart and accomplished graduate? Where are you going in life? When are you gonna start your career/family/slow collapse into insanity? Perhaps, you do not have an answer for these people, but like me, would rather collapse into a ball and grow a turtle shell in which to hide forever. Alas, though you gain many skills and powers from graduating, this is not possible.

(essaalroc.com)

And I know what you are thinking "why yes, yes it is." I'm sorry but truly it is not. A close second however, is a pile of blankets and pillows with a sign that reads simply "The number you have reached is currently out of service." The confusion/frustration should help keep those pesky question askers at bay.

"But, I have answers to those questions." "Yeah i already have a job lined up, with a ten year life plan in place as well." Good for you. Now excuse me while I attach this sign to my blanket fort.

Now that those people have left to go work while we hide in this well built fortress of comfort, we can talk about the real things in life. Like convincing yourself that maybe that retail job you had a couple summers ago will still need help and let you stay on for a bit. You know just until you find something more permanent. You definitely aren't one of those people that will give in to the comfort of familiarity and stay there forever. No, you will beat the cycle! Definitely.

But for now the future does not matter, because you my friend, have graduated.

Dear people of my generation,

Dear people of my generation,

Put away your phones. Look your experiences in the eyes not through a lens. I know that you want to be in constant communication with the world and that you want to document everything but it seems in documenting everything we miss truly experiencing it for ourselves.

I went to a concert a couple nights ago and as soon as the headliner took the stage, there was a field of phones in the air. And most of these were the ones closest to the band. It wasn't just the lights of the phones that was a problem for me, it was the fact that people were staring at the phone screen instead of the band! 

They missed out on the experience of everything by staring at their phones. They couldn't dance crazy with their friends in fear of ruining the recording. They didn't see the beads of sweat on the lead singer as he got worked up by his performance. Instead they were staring at a phone. And this is not an uncommon phenomena.

Often times, I will be with my partner or my best friend and I feel isolated because they are on their phone. My partner will be holding me with one arm as we (or should I say I) watch a movie and with his other hand, he is scrolling through Tumblr. Now, most of the time I do not mind, but when we have been too busy to spend time together and we specifically schedule time to catch up and shower each other with affection, it bothers me when he chooses to play on his phone. The same goes for my roommate or my siblings. The older we get, the busier we become and I want to feel my time is valued. When I go to a restaurant with people I want to create experiences. I want to talk to the people in front of me. I want to people watch together.

Technology is amazing and serves so many important purposes but be careful not to miss what is in front of you. Watch that movie. Call that girl instead of texting her. Make up a game with your friends. Really see the world. Sure take pictures but don't let recording memories take away from making them.

Life is so much brighter without the lens. So put the phone away. Make some good memories.

Sincerely,
B. Anne

From bad to good

At the beginning of the summer, my partner and I had a discussion wherein I learned that the University we met at was not his first choice. He went here because he did not get into the program he wanted at another school. This made me start thinking about all of the things that had to happen for he and I to meet. Skipping the obvious idea that we both had to be born and the like, we both had to graduate high school in high enough standing to get into our school. He had to not get into his first choice. He had to have met the guy years before that would be his roommate and then live with him. My cousin had to go to our university and then not graduate in four years. Then my cousin and the roommate had to move in together. They then throw a party and both my partner and I had to be available and willing to go. And finally, we had to run into each other at this party.

And that is just to meet. We didn't start dating for months. In fact, after that party, we didn't speak until we ran into one another at another at another party the next school year at the same house! So many little details had to go exactly right for us to be together and that is just one relationship in my life.

I challenge you to think of an important relationship or moment in your life and think about how things had to be for you to end up the way you did. Did you do it?

Now that you have thought about all the things that lead to your moment or relationship, did it include any bad moments? Did it include your weaknesses? Your failures? Mine did. Like I said my partner didn't get into his first choice school but he wasn't the only one whose failures contributed to our love story. The first night we met I got drunk and made out with a guy that I didn't know. My friend then stopped me by saying it was time to go and I was upset with myself. I didn't like that I had gotten so sloppy drunk, though I wasn't all the sloppy. I had let myself down. BUUUUUTTTTTT, the reason why he decided he wanted to date me is because I approached him at the second party by simply saying, 'didn't I make out with you?' knowing full well I had. He thought it was cute and funny and he wanted to get to know me better.

My failure turned into something wonderful. When you start to feel bad and like everything is the worst pick one big moment from your life and think of everything that had to line up for that to happen. Think of all the bad that lead to it. And remember that the bad you experience may be part of something so much better. Mine did.

It's just silly

Have you ever truly thought about how much time and happiness you have wasted in hiding who you really are? We work so hard to put forth this image of normalcy when normal does not truly exist. Everyone is different and not in some floofy make your-kid-feel-better-about themselves way but truly. Have you noticed that we tell children that? A lot? It is because it is true and yet, as we age we seem to forget that. But that seems true of a lot of things we tell children, like share and don't lie. Somehow it is ok to tell children everyone is different just so they can grow up and try to normalize themselves.

I have recently written about some of the things that i was willing to admit through semi-anonymity the thoughts of violence or lust or not caring. I cannot be the only one. And yet, even that was problematic for my mother. She said that she admired my bravery but that it concerned her and I need to hide the post from future employers. Good advice but why?

I have talked to other people that when I opened up and admitted the truth, SO DID THEY!

Everyone has sexuality and yet we are taught to hide it. Do not tell people you are queer. Do not tell people you like sex. Do not admit you even think about sex. Never admit your fantasies or you will scare people away. We all have thoughts of hurting someone or breaking something from time to time and yet we are taught to hide it. Don't let people see how angry you are. Do not admit you have had thoughts of damage. Never ever admit you have wanted to hurt someone before.

And it doesn't end there. We do this for everything. Hide how much you like food. Hide your body issues. Hide your depressions and anxieties. As my last post wrote, hide any emotions you have from someone you are interested in. Hide the jokes others might not like. Hide your disagreeable beliefs. Hide anything that makes you seem strange.

Well here is the truth. I like me. I like food and sexuality. I think about sex. I often wanted to break things or punch people. I I laugh at inappropriate jokes. I LOVE FOOD and sometimes that makes me uncomfortable with my body. I am depressed and anxious. Sometimes, I just don't want to shower because who am I trying to impress? I love and like my boyfriend. I find him appealing in so many ways. I have beliefs not everyone will agree with.

I am human and I am proud.

Everyone is different so stop holding yourself back so much. It is okay to admit you have flaws or that you have feelings. THAT IS NORMAL! It is better than normal, it is human.



Source: http://www.thepetcollective.tv/never-ending-awesomeness-36-corgi-gifs-that-will-make-you-squee/

Let's Change the Dating Culture: You deserve better

The state of modern dating is atrocious to me and for a long time I gave into it because it was popular and I figured it was the only way.

Last night, I went out with my boyfriend and two of our friends who had recently started some sort of....well...relationship? dating? chilling? Who knows. Not I'm not saying a label is needed to be happy or for your relationship to matter but they didn't know what the other was thinking of the situation. I asked my girl friend if it was a date and she replied with an awkward "I don't know." I responded saying she had a say in the matter and her response really got to me..."Do I really though?"

YES! OF COURSE YOU DO! 

It amazes me how many awkward mind-games are played among twenty-something year-olds. It is a game of chicken where no one wins. You can never be the first to say what you want, you should wait until they text you first, you should never say I love you first, and on and on and on.

If both parties are "playing it cool" and doing their best to avoid being the first to show real interest then NO ON GETS ANYWHERE! 

If you want it to be a date, you should be able to say so. "Hey, I like you and would like to pursue a casual (or serious) romantic relationship with you." See how easy that was? Now I know easier said than done but maybe that is because of the culture we have created. I have seen both males and females that wanted something more serious in their relationship and suffered because they did not speak up. If you want to be exclusive then tell them. If they say no then you decide if you want to look elsewhere or maybe you keep doing your thing. If you want more than just sleeping together or "chilling" then tell them.

I used to think that commitment and marriage and monogamy seemed so boring and unnecessary. I thought casual "hanaging" and "talking" was the only way.

Here is an important tip: It's not.

Look at people that still love and like eachother after being together for years. You know how they do it? They talk to each other about what they want and expect from the other. Now they may not always agree but that is not the point.

So young'ns: stop playing these messy games. Figure out for yourself what you want and then communicate it. Trust me, it is so much better on the other side.
 

Real Talk

Sometimes I don't think my life is real.

Everything truly good in my life has happened since my hospitalization. My best friend, my boyfriend, my apartment, my life. It has all started since that night. So what if none of this is real and I actually succeeded in my goal of slipping into a coma? What if this is all a dream?

It is sometimes hard for me to remember things or people if they are not in front of me. Even my family, closest friends, and boyfriend can be hard to feel emotional attached to when they are not directly involved in my life at any given moment. Sometimes it is just hard to care. I think about cheating or driving off into the sunset never to be seen again. I don't worry about how it will affect others. I sometimes just leave parties or restaurants without telling anyone. I just wander off. I try to fight the urge but I can't.

Sometimes I want to hurt people. I have graphic images in my mind that I can't control. I take interest in the idea of getting away with a crime because of the intellectual skill involved. Sometimes I lie. Not like little white lies but full on lies. I convinced my family and closest friends that I was going to counseling for months when in fact I was not. I made elaborate stories because it  worked.

I can ruin people with just my words. I can hone in on insecurities and sensitivities and just tear people apart. I often find myself analyzing others to decide their faults. Not in a judgmental way, but in an intellectual and defensive way. It is a fun game I play that also prepares me for an attack if ever needed.

These are problems people are often to afraid to admit. It makes me sound harsh and uncaring but I'm not. In fact, the reason I do not just drive off or harm people or treat my life as if it were nothing but a coma dream, is because ultimately I care for others. I don't want people to hurt or worry. I don't want them to be mad or disappointed with me. so what if this is a coma dream? If I accept that idea what does it change? This is my reality and so I should do my best to keep it in tact. It is hard to admit and very few people know these things about me. But they are true, and I am not alone. So why is it so stigmatized? I don't actually hurt people or commit the heinous crimes from my mind or verbally destroy people. But these are real problems. I feel like a monster because I can't admit that these are real things that my mind does. Many people go through the same things and work so hard to hide them that they eventually snap and lose touch with reality. So here I am admitting my deepest self. The self I hide because it is insane. At my depth that is all I am.

Please don't worry

Somehow my blog has become about my struggles with depression, which I am fine with. I am glad to have somewhere to put into words what it has been like. Before I started this blog, and on occasion still, my mother would send me links to cartoons like Hyperbole and a Half and articles and blogs about people with depression or anxiety and ask me if that was what it was like for me. Since my breakdown and subsequent hospitalization two years ago, she has worked to understand what I was and am going through better. She has minimal personal experience to compare and so it is hard for her. This blog lets her see what I am going through, how my depression and anxiety manifest and affect my life.

But there is a downside to this.

There are times when I am afraid to really open up on here because I know I have family and friends that read this. I am afraid they will judge me, call me crazy, or worry because of what I write. I am torn between telling my story and hopefully helping others see what it is like, and keeping my loved ones from worrying.

Life with depression is hard. There are days where I literally do not leave my bed even if I should. Have you ever developed bedsores from spending so much time in your bed? I have. I have missed so many classes and assignments over the years and flaked on so many social obligations or plans because I could not leave that damn bed. And when I write it out I fear someone will read it and judge me or say that I just need to suck it up or worse will start to worry and see that as me never doing anything I have to. There are a lot of wonderful things in my life and a lot of wonderful moments. That is why I have started Thankful Saturdays. They let me show some of my positives. But these posts aren't for that.

They are to talk about everything I have kept bottled for years. All the pain I have held inside because of fear. All the self-hate and confusion, all the bad thoughts, all the tears I hid, and all the time I spent hiding. Its about time I start sharing my story and I mean all of it. Some people are going to learn very intimate things about me in the next few weeks and it will be hard. But I need to tell them and furthermore, I need try to help people not go through what I did. I went too long without the help I needed and I want to help beat the stigma. I am more than my problems. I am more than a diagnosis. I needed help and I got it. There is no shame in me anymore.

So please do not worry when you read my work and please do not bring it up to me. Share my story and help me make people better. This is not just about me. This is about so much more.